Yes, when love is definitely not enough.

Had a talk with my colleague yesterday. It was really hard for me to talk. Because lately I've found myself refusing to talk about it.

The fact is, it is always easier for the person who breaks up with you to get over things and move on. The decision to break up and break away was theirs after all, and was probably made after much consideration.It doesn't matter if they had to seriously consider situations and fight themselves to come to the decision,at the end of the day, all that really matters is that they get to move on a lot faster than the person they leave behind.

But it is a lot harder for the person being left behind to deal with the break. So we go through a grieving process, not unlike losing someone to death, though not as painful. When Stefanie died, I never had closure. That was my fault - I never kept in touch, never tried my best to find out if she was OK. I didn't even know how far gone she was until she died. I don't think I ever really recovered from the shock and still carry the guilt of not being there when she died.

So my grieving process is still under way right now. Not for Stefanie, but for Vanessa. Yes, that is her name. And no, she's not dead. She's busy moving on with her life, growing up, trying to get along with the real world. But without me.

We say a lot of things, hurt a lot of people along the way - I grieve for the loss of a lover, someone who seemed to understand me even though she didn't have to. And while I did think that I would eventually lose her one day, I didn't think that it would be so soon. Oh, the complacency of being settled. I grieve for the day I finally realised she didn't love me anymore. And the hurt that it created for me was 10x worse than losing someone to death. Just the very thought of knowing that someone can stop loving you just like that. It is THAT which hurts.

Some people would say it's just typical relationship drama when two people break up. So much emotional drama - and what for? But just put yourself in our shoes for a minute, and think about it. You probably don't want to be in our shoes, right? That's because you don't understand, or are afraid that the pain would be too hard to handle, too pointless to deal with. And you're probably thinking, why create so much pain for yourself? There's so many other fish out there in the sea to catch, so why bother with just this one? But it's different for everybody, some people shrug it off, some take it like a blow to the head with a sledgehammer. The latter usually find it hard to move on to other "fish", for the simple reason they've already been let down once before, and don't want to go through another again, not so soon at least.

So if you can't empathise - shut the fuck up. We don't need to hear your sermon about life being bigger than 1 person, we don't want to hear about other fish in the sea, and we certain don't care if you can't see things our way.

I never ask for sympathy - only understanding. I don't appreciate people asking me about my personal life after not having spoken to/seen me for more than 6 months. Around this time, questions like, "How's work? Still at the same place? How's love life? Still the same girlfriend?" is enough to make me want to shoot someone in the face. (It's as if there was some competition going on that I didn't know about and lost.) You don't know what I'm going through, you certainly don't care (except when it affects you directly), otherwise you would have bothered to keep in touch all this time. So fuck you, and fuck off. I don't need deadwood.

Why try to change me now...

I was trolling through youtube today for Fiona Apple videos, and I came across this gem of a cover from a Cy Coleman & Joe McCarthy song, "Why Try To Change Me Now". Fiona's voice lends a beautiful crispy edge to the song, much like eating a pack of crisp along Brighton Beach on an early Sunday morning, just watching the sunrise.



I'm sentimental, so I walk in the rain
I've got some habits even I can't explain
Could start for the corner, turn up in Spain
But why try to change me now?

I sit and daydream, I've got daydreams galore
Cigarette ashes, there they go on the floor
I'll go away weekends, leave my keys in the door
But why try to change me now?

Why can't I be more conventional?
People talk, people stare, so I try
But that's not for me, 'cause I can't see
My kind of crazy world go passing me by

So, let people wonder, let 'em laugh, let 'em frown
You know I'll love you till the moon's upside down
Don't you remember I was always your clown?
Why try to change me now?

Karma is a bitch

Yes, karma is definitely a bitch. And in the light of current events, I feel it's only right that I let you, my readers, in on a little bit of my past.

5 years ago, a month after my break-up with Im, I met a very nice lady for a movie and then drinks. She was 7 years older than me, pretty successful as a top executive, and had just recovered from a 5-year healing period after the devastating end to a 7-year relationship (with a woman who subsequently got married, and was expecting her first child when this lady and I got together). She was a right charmer, and could carry herself well and dress well. Until then I had never really been attracted to older women, so it was quite a surprise to me when I found T particularly attractive.

We dated for 4 months, she pampered me and supported me. On her days off she would travel all the way to my workplace to have lunch with me, and on weekends I would spend time at her place, just chilling out and watching movies on her laptop.

And then one day, I'm not really sure what it was, maybe I was getting bored with T, or maybe I felt I was missing out on something, I decided to meet up with another girl for coffee. As fate would have it, I found myself slowly falling in love with G.

On hindsight, it seems really strange that I could be capable of something so heinous. Apparently I liked T alot, but I didn't love her - no, I only liked her because she had been so good to me. Because she was there when I needed someone to listen to me and a shoulder to cry on.

So why did I fall in love with G? Because I identified with her somewhat - betrayed by her ex, in pain from a breakup and still entangled in a never-ending argument with her ex. I could understand G. And as a result, I wanted so much to be with her.

One day, while at work, I got into a little spat with T, which broke into a bigger argument. Little did I realise that I was doing this because I was looking for a reason to break up with T. And that was when I did it. While arguing with her on MSN, I suggested that maybe its best we break up.
T never saw this coming, and I think the shock of hearing me suddenly say that kept her from saying anything further. I vaguely remember telling her that I felt it was not working out, that I needed to sort things out. And that this would be the best way. T wanted to talk to me about it - clarify with me about what went wrong. But instead of talking it out with her, I promptly blocked her on MSN and ignored the follow-up smses she sent me.

Her request had been simple - to meet up with her to discuss where we went wrong, see if things could be fixed, and if not, to part ways amicably. She repeatedly tried to call me, sent me numerous smses. All of which went ignored.

And where was I on the night of the day T and I broke up? I was busy playing pool with G at a downtown pool hall in Park Lane Shopping Mall. Happily enjoying the company of the girl I loved, cruelly oblivious to the pain and devastation I had caused T. I was too much of a coward to face what I had done, too afraid to see the pain I had inflicted on someone (who had already gone through 5 years of recovery from a past relationship) who did love me, but whom I did not love enough to show her the least bit of respect and decency.

Now, 5 years down the road, I see that karma is not yet done with me - and it probably won't be over so soon.

I only have myself to blame for all that has happened.

To T : If you happen to read this, I am truly sorry for what I did to you. I have no other excuses for what I did except that my heart had not been in the right place with you. And yes, I should have faced you when you asked, so as to give you closure. I am sorry that I never did.

And so, dear readers, this is why I say that karma is a big, fat bitch.

Be careful how you treat her.

As the world turns

When we love, we feel like we can take on the whole world.

That's how it was with me when I eventually let down my guard and started to truly love her. I felt like I could withstand anything, take anything, deal with everything - the distance, the uncertainty. As time passed I prepared myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, to handle every obstacle that would come between me and her. I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure that we didn't falter where most relationships have faltered - miscommunication, misunderstandings, mishaps.

But of course, when it comes to matters of the heart, no plan can be fool-proof or invincible. Not even me, and especially not even her.

And one day, it just got too much for her, so she gave up.

Yes, she gave up on us.

But can I blame her? I don't know. Maybe we're both to be blamed. For thinking that when we love, we can do anything and take on anything.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day...."

My one wish now is that this pain will stop - that I could stop loving her. And stop wishing. And just leave everything behind like it never happened.

This way is better

I have so many regrets now, that I don't really know where to start. I can't really blame her, because it wasn't her fault. But yes, it was my fault. I should have known better. Back in 2007 when we first started dating, I always reminded myself that she was going away, that this was all for fun and nothing more. I saw it as a playful episode, an experience for both of us (well, more for her than for me). And i should have kept to that mindset. So afraid of getting hurt again, I kept my distance and shared with her what i could. And I suppose, she didn't really understand what was going on. So when I told her, back in 2007, that i really had fun with her and hoped that she had a good summer fling with me, I should have stuck to that mindset. Even if it did hurt her when I said it. I should have maintained that mindset.

I should have.

But, being the soft-hearted pushover that I normally am for beautiful girls with big hearts, I didn't want to hurt her, so I ended up taking the plunge into the unknown. And after that, there was no turning back.

Next thing I knew, I found that I was able to love again, this beautiful girl with a big heart - just the feeling of being able to love someone again after 3 years, made me feel alive. Maybe it wasn't just loving her that made me feel alive, maybe it was also her ability to see beyond the surface of who I really am. And her ability to accept me as I am. And never trying to change me.

Time passed, days, months, and my love for her grew. I tried my best to be patient, to understand her, to remember what it was like to be her age. And maybe my love for her grew so big and wide, that it blinded me to the fact that it was digging a grave for her youth. That as my love for her grew, it was also digging her deeper and deeper into uncertainty, and trapping her - sapping her of the freedom she so craved.

It's not often one can find a soulmate in someone one loves so unconditionally. Or maybe that was just it - it was just too good to be true, and it had to end eventually.

33 is a lucky number

33 is the double header big-bosomed mother of all
the number of the man who came to his senses
and spread the word, spread the love
and spread his wings and flew away.
33 is the motherlode of the end
and the fatherlode of the beginning
and everything before then was for not
thank god.
thank god.

33 is the beautiful age of the beautiful one-liner
a worldless nirvana of an age
where nothing but life should matter
and maturity will no longer scatter.
33 is the cyclic embrace of
what was not known before then
and what will be known now.
thank god.
Good god, thank god.

My gift list (although highly unlikely, but I'm a dreamer:) )

1.Boots
2.Books
3.Music
4.Musics
5.Songs

And a last gift - a wish that I may never need to sing this to myself to sleep each night...

ON MONSIEUR'S DEPARTURE

I grieve and dare not show my discontent;
I love, and yet am forced to seem to hate;
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant;
I seem stark mute, but inwardly do prate.
I am, and not; I freeze and yet am burned,
Since from myself another self I turned.

My care is like my shadow in the sun—
Follows me flying, flies when I pursue it,
Stands, and lies by me, doth what I have done;
His too familiar care doth make me rue it.
No means I find to rid him from my breast,
Till by the end of things it be supprest.

Some gentler passion slide into my mind,
For I am soft, and made of melting snow;
Or be more cruel, Love, and so be kind.
Let me or float or sink, be high or low;
Or let me live with some more sweet content,
Or die, and so forget what love e'er meant.


See how simple it is. :) At least I think it is.

And then there was none.

Saturday night I spent hanging out with queer women - the first one was an anniversary party and the second was just your typical girls' night out at the club party. So I put on my social face and went out and tried my best to be jovial and content. Despite being the opposite.

I've always felt out of place in any social setting (unless its a tiny group of 3-4 people), and this was no exception. However, I observed a few things during the course of the night, and just felt like writing my observations down here.

Ever noticed how newly single people who say they are happily single suddenly end up attached barely six months after a break-up? There is that over emphasis on how happy they are being single and doing what they want and being who they are. I've always seen that as an attempt really to convince themselves that it's OK to being single, and not really a genuine proclamation of contentedness.

Before V, I was single for 3 years. During the first year, the loneliness was seriously unbearable and I often went into a downward spiral that I sometimes almost never came out of. But during the course of the 2nd year and almost into my 3rd year of singlehood, I'd realised how much simpler, and less emotionally debilitating it was to be single. I was doing things for myself, being myself, and going places I wanted to go.By my 3rd year of singlehood, I was genuinely happy about being single, and even made plans to ensure my future as I, me and myself.

It's easy for me to remain single for a long time. Someone like me doesn't attract people like a social butterfly. I don't dance, don't dress up for others, and I don't care if people don't like me belching in public. I eat what I want and go where I want. I don't exercise enough and my idea of destressing from work is playing my level 80 warlock in WoW. Or going to the movies. Or having a beer and watching a live band. I'm regular looking, chubby and lazy. Not an Angelina Jolie or Katherine Moenig look alike. Not a model, and not a rich person. But really, I don't care.

So it's easy to not attract attention, and most of the time that's one of the things I value the most. But sometimes, just sometimes, there are occasions or people who make it difficult.
It's not their fault - they don't realise how much I hate the fact that they can so easily go from one relationship to another. Not because they don't fixate themselves on past lovers, but because they attract attention, wanted and unwanted. So they move like butterflies from one lover to the next.

Oh and I forget to mention that at the moment I'm not single. I haven't been single for almost 2 years. And I love the person, but sometimes it feels so much like I'm really still single.

Maybe I just miss being single. But I still love sitting on one flower. For now at least - because for people like me, the good ones (the ones who can look past our ordinary looks, our laziness and our general disregard for social etiquette) rarely come. And when they do, we try to make it last. Even though at some points we feel like we're giving up a good part of ourselves to make it last. Even then.

"One day I'll light the skies by setting myself on fire and hope that you'll see the flames and finally love me back."